Love Your Mark- Birthmarks and Scars: Diane's Story

Be different and be happy!

I was born with a port wine stain birthmark on the left side of my face, forehead, scalp, nape of neck and shoulder. My parents happily accepted me as I was, but they did ask the doctors about possible treatments for my birthmark. They were told that nothing could be done about it and I would have to live my life with my scars.

Life was good in my early years. I wasn't aware that I looked any different from other youngsters and none of it mattered to my little friends; perhaps they weren't old enough to notice. I remember my mother getting angry with people who stared at me for too long or made some unwelcome comments, but little of this affected me in those tender years. I have very happy memories of the days that I spent at primary school.

My fun-filled existence came to an abrupt end at the age of eleven, when I went up to the 'boys-only' High School. Some of my primary school friends joined me there, but otherwise it is not a place that I look back on with any affection. I soon became a target for boys who were only too pleased to make fun of my birthmark. I won't list any of the names and taunts that came my way – you know how imaginative and inventive youngsters can be when they want to hurt someone.

Of course, not everyone in the school behaved like this, but it was an almost daily occurrence, directed at me by my tormentors. Parents and teachers discount such antics as teasing, but this is a form of bullying that transcends teasing. It is mental torture. Most of the teachers were very good inspirational role models and I have fond memories of them, apart from one Sport's teacher who liked to refer to me as 'funny face'. Perhaps he thought he would win over the other kids by making fun of me. I thought he was pathetic. School days - the best years of your life, eh!

I was fairly clever, keen to learn and worked hard, so in spite of this bad atmosphere I got some good grades in my O'level exams and I stayed on to take my A'levels. I was now in the sixth form and some of the classes were shared with the local girls' High School. Girls! These classes were enjoyable! The girls didn't have any interest in laughing at me and some of them would chat to me as if I was a human being, not a circus freak.

Around this time, I joined the local astronomical society. Apart from one member who liked to poke fun at my appearance, it was just what I was looking for. I had been fascinated by astronomy and space-flight since I was a little boy. Now I had met a group of people who shared my passion for space and who accepted me as a keen youngster. Life had got much better.

I passed my A'levels and went on to study IT at a Technical University. Another life-change for me. I had left the bullies and tormentors behind. Apart from the occasional nutter, I was now in a world of intelligent people who were welcoming and friendly. I found the work very challenging, but I did get my degree – including working for a year in Germany - and I got a job in IT with the local authority in Yorkshire. I was made welcome by almost all of the staff, with the odd exception. This was – and remains - a most enjoyable and character-building experience. Several of my work colleagues have become good friends.

When you look a bit different from other people, life can be a mixed bag of contrasts. I have been exposed to all facets of the human nature. I got used to men laughing at me, but it really hurt if a woman did it. I have had stones and coins thrown at me. I have been s worn at and spat at in the street. At other times strangers have shown incredible acts of kindness towards me.

About twenty years ago I asked my doctor about laser removal of my birthmark and she referred me to the local Infirmary, where they operate a laser clinic. I had my first treatment after six months and then subsequent treatments took place at intervals of about four months, over a period of eleven years. Complete removal was achieved from my forehead, but I still have a visible birthmark on my face, although it is paler than it was.

I am socially cautious and I still don't feel that I am fully accepted by society. On public transport the spare seat next to me can sometimes be the last to be occupied – more room for me, I suppose! On rare occasions I have had difficulty getting served in pubs. It is a strange feeling to be invisible to some staff. I remember one barmaid telling me "...My friend won't serve you Love, but I will..."

Otherwise, my normal day is the same as anyone else's and it is very rare now for me to encounter any untoward comments or actions. I am always cautious near young people, just in case they fancy hurling some abuse my way. Most are well behaved, but a few have no respect for anyone.

Today’s image-conscious society encourages the pursuit of money and good looks. They are nice things to have, but what use are they without humility and humanity? My experiences have taught me that what really matters in life are other qualities – health, honesty, reliability, friendship and unconditional support .

I really liked English classes at school and I enjoy writing. I have written many articles on Astronomy and I am told that I am a good speaker and presenter. My talks are always well received. I have travelled extensively in pursuit of total solar eclipses and my astronomy adventures have taken me to many parts of the world.

A lifetime of dealing with people and their reactions towards me has empowered me with the ability to 'read between the lines', to interpret body language and to perceive a person's mood and attitude. It has been suggested that with these qualities I would make a good mentor and counsellor.

Imperceptibly, I have become more outgoing and friendly. I am a good listener, reliable and dependable. I have made some invaluable long-term friendships and even though I remain single, I have some wonderful female friends. My teenage years were very unhappy ones, but life gets better for me as I get older.

Over the years I have noticed other people with facial birthmarks, but I never got to meet them and talk to them. Some of them looked to be a bit self-conscious, 'hunted' would perhaps be a better description. Very few looked to be outwardly confident.

A couple of years ago my curiosity led me to make an Internet search for 'birthmarks' and I found the Birthmark Support Group, www.birthmarksupportgroup.org.uk in the UK and www.birthmarks.com in the USA. I would like to help other people deal with looking 'different', so I became a member of both organisations and I have written articles for their newsletters. I also found Bev Fulker’s website www.loveyourmark.com . I sent an e-mail to Bev and a few months later we met up at a London event of the Birthmark Support Group.

Talking to Bev was a wonderful experience. We have so much in common. We talked for ages about our experiences of living with a facial birthmark. She is such a positive person and her contagious enthusiasm has spurred me on to be more outgoing in my everyday life. Her motto 'Love Your Mark' might not be an attainable goal for all of us, but we can learn to accept ourselves and make the most of our lives.

Thanks for being there Bev!
Alex